Love or Pain or Both?

“Today was a day with no pain,” or, “I really love my body, these days.” I could write about either. I wanted to write about how in love with my body I’ve grown, but it seems quite remarkable that today was a day with no real pain.

I have to say “real pain,” because it’s not like there was absolutely no weirdness from my back/hip thing. Tingly/numb in the side of my left foot. Little twinges in that area of my hip.

I didn’t push it today. I didn’t walk as much as usual. I did do my yoga, and stretches this morning. At lunch, I strolled a bit, but not much, and near the end of that stroll, there was a twinge, the nearness of pain. Lastly, I walked about the office and the building a bit, but all in all, I wasn’t very active, not as usual. That helped with this no pain day, I’m sure.

According to the doctor I saw last October, if I keep doing what I’m doing, I should be good an the no pain days should increase, but it’s hard to wait. I want to run and play. I feel bottled up. I have a strong urge to run trails, and climb trees. I want to play on the playground(monkey bars mainly, and the balancing beams), early in the morning when no kids are around. Go on a photo adventure. I need to add to my animal closeups:

pig

but I can’t go on and on about the pain in my body without remarking on how much I love my body. I am not near my goal weight, but this body is cool. It’s been awhile since I could easily reach all the parts of my body. I could tell stories, trust me. I could barely reach my feet before, and only with great effort. Now I grab them all the time, and it may sound silly, but that is cool and sensual and wonderful. Getting my fingers between my toes. Rubbing my feet. Easily washing them in the shower. Showers! Oh my word, let me tell you. Even getting out of bed, I can feel the difference in the way my hips engage when I roll out of the bed and my feet hit the floor. The strength of my hamstrings as I move my body to walk. Walking was lumbering, but now I stroll. My shoulders, back, calves, so much of me is coming alive. Back on line. How can I be anything but grateful for the chance to spring in to action, again. I love my body.

I was always more mind and spirit, and not so much about the body. I abused my body, when I was younger. I continued to abuse it as I grew older, eating crap and drinking other crap. I thought I was doing well, because most of what I ate said it was diet, or healthy, or low fat, etc. But now I know that not only are those usually lies, but most of those things were keeping me lethargic and trapped.

As I lose weight, of course my body changes. I walk barefoot a good bit, and I can see muscles developing in my feet. They look strong and healthy. I can massage parts of my back that I could only bear-scratch on a wall or door. Pelvic bones, ribs and other assorted muscles are all revealing themselves. But, really it is the healing. The return of mobility. It’s a slow process, but it’s happening and I am thankful. I’m breathing deeper, I’m climbing hills, swimming, getting out, and my spirit and aim are strong. I’m quiet excited and thankful.

Eating mostly vegetables and fruit, keeping the glycemic load low, sticking to water and tea; losing weight has been easy. I’m basically following the Blue Zone Diet, or Michael Pollan’s suggestions (“Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.”), and I’m damn close to the Paleo diet. Micro-nutrient rich, good fats. it isn’t rocket science, it turns out. Nor do you have to kill yourself exercising, like I did years ago. But I want to exercise, I want to be active. The systems are online and humming and ready to roll.

goat

The problem is keeping in the limits of my hip pain. It’s frustrating, but a good kind of frustrating. The temporary kind. The kind where I know it’ll be over if I keep going, and that’s easy. Being out from under the tyranny of the weight, and the poor diet, it feels too good to live this way, to go back. I suffered shame and embarrassment being overweight, experiences I’ve never shared with anyone. maybe I never will. Maybe I will here. I don’t know. The point is, I had moved past a limit I never thought I’d cross. I was near immobilized. I lost many of the things I love, like getting outside, being outside, people, and even photography, beyond the beautiful light I’d find around the house. Hopes and dreams. Running water! I missed out on alot while I suffered under the weight of my own sloth.

I think I’m about half way there, in regards to my weight and the pain. The pain should go away first, I don’t know how long it’ll take with the weight, but the goal is not the concern, the process is the concern. Eating right, getting out, moving. That’s the focus. That’s the process.

Be Wild. Be useful.

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